Motherhood Broke Me In The Best Possible Way

I had my daughter, Sofiamoana, at 35 — after a decade that tested every corner of my heart. I lost partners, I lost pregnancies — four, to be exact — and I lost faith in myself more than once. There were times I wondered if I was meant to be a mother at all. And if I’m being really honest, there were moments after each loss when I was both heartbroken and strangely grateful, because deep down I doubted whether I’d be strong enough, healed enough, ready enough.

But God has a way of rewriting the stories we think are over.

In His divine timing — not mine — Sofiamoana arrived. And it was surreal. I knew she was the one. The one who would make it here. The one my heart had been preparing for through every heartbreak, every hospital room, every doctor’s warning that I “might never have children.” Even when fear crept in, something deeper whispered: She’s coming and you have nothing to fear. And she did. And, for nine months I truthfully cannot say I had any fear based on my past experiences that I would not carry her to term and be birthing her into my arms.

That's the God I know - the God of miracles. The God who can re-write stories, remove fears, and gift us with the most precious things in life, even when we feel like we don't deserve it.

So God cared for Sofiamoana and I, and in June of 2019 in San Jose del Cabo Mexico, she was born to my husband and I, in our living room, a healthy, happy, wide-eyed, chubby cheek perfect baby girl!

And so it began...

Motherhood didn’t just stretch my body — it stretched my soul. It broke open parts of me that were too self-focused, fragile, angry, afraid. I used to think strength meant having it all together and saying positive affirmations until they stuck. Now I know it’s crying in the bathroom for two minutes, praying for patience, and despite the big emotions, showing up again and again with kindness, love and compassion for your baby.

It’s humbling, sanctifying, and honestly — hilarious if you let it be.

I’ve learned that spilled milk isn’t the end of the world, grace really is renewable, and coffee might be the only reason I can say that with confidence ;)

Motherhood changed me in every way I didn’t know I needed. It softened me, toughened me, and made me love in ways I didn’t think I was capable of.

It’s messy and holy and sacred all at once.

And when I look at my daughter — her joy, her innocence, her absolute knowing that life is good and people are kind — I’m reminded that God knew exactly what He was doing. He gave me her not because I was ready, but because I needed to remember that love like this can heal everything that came before.

Author’s Note:

In sharing this, I still feel the ache of what came before Sofiamoana — but I also feel the overwhelming gratitude that sometimes, only hindsight can bring. I used to think unanswered prayers meant God had forgotten me, I'd done something wrong, I was undeserving. Now I know God was simply making room for something greater.

If you’re in that waiting season right now — the one that feels endless, painful, or unfair — hold on. God’s not finished. He’s just rewriting your story.